Exactly What I Needed
by Eagle32nd
Summary: At the end of "Mrs. Carlisle" (S04E15), Harry speaks with Rita and confirms that Eric Russell, her boyfriend and a former cop, was not guilty of any wrong-doing during his time in New York City. The episode concludes with Rita going to Eric's apartment and finding it empty. This short piece is my idea of what could have happened after the credits rolled.


It was hard to focus on the basics of driving when the mind was completely occupied elsewhere. That sudden realization was forced on Rita when the woman in the car behind her tapped the horn. The detective glanced in her rear-view mirror just in time to see the lady mouth the words "let's go". She looked forward and, not only was the light green, but the car in front of her had already cleared the intersection. Rita sighed with a final peek in the mirror as she took off, speaking quietly. "Yeah, I'll bet you never sat an extra three seconds at a light..."

With her attention back on task, she continued her drive downtown, still trying to process the last forty-five minutes. Love was complicated, that she knew for sure. Relationships were equally complicated. She knew that, too. And though they meant well, Chris and Harry were a little too nosy, that she also knew. But there was a more pressing problem staring her in the face, and it had nothing to do with the impatient woman behind her.

Eric Russell was gone.

He wasn't just out of town for the weekend, and he hadn't taken off to visit family or sequester himself in a hotel room to write. He was completely gone; the "cleaned-out-his-apartment-and-left" kind of gone. When she opened the door and saw the empty space, it took only a few moments to process the facts. She was a homicide detective - a very good homicide detective - but anyone could have solved this mystery.

Eric had moved to this place just a few weeks before and was not intending to move again, so he had left spur-of-the-moment. He gave her no indication that he was moving; he didn't say anything and didn't call her with a new address, so Eric didn't want her to know he was leaving or where he went. The door wasn't even locked, which meant the landlord had yet to look the place over, lock up, and place the "for rent" sign out front, so Eric had left only an hour or two ago - he may very well have left without even notifying the landlord.

All the evidence flashed through her mind as she looked at the room. She took a deep breath and her lips quivered, perfectly in sync with her rising emotions. She looked back outside, knowing there was absolutely no reason to call him. He had no intention of answering his phone.

Eric Russell was gone.

He had vanished, just like every other important person in her life. Mother, father, adopted parents, boyfriends - like so many patrons lined up for tickets at the theater, they had come to her booth, stayed for a few brief moments, and disappeared. Eric was only the latest.

Rita started to cry as she stepped back out, quietly closed the door, and walked to her car. Aimless driving was never her thing, but she did it now. Turning a corner here, a few blocks north there, then west up the hill and past a park where three children ran through the pea gravel. She stopped, shut off the engine, and watched them run and laugh - obviously playing a game of tag and oblivious to her presence. The little boy tripped and flew headlong into the gravel, then popped his head up, laughing as a girl reached down and tapped his head. With the top down on her car, Rita clearly heard the excited "You're it!" She smiled through her tears. At least life wasn't complicated for everyone.

Her mind drifted as she watched. Her relationship with Eric had begun as painfully as it was apparently ending. Back then, Christopher's life had nearly been ended by a bullet, and that shooting had turned her world upside down. As he lay unconscious, his life in the balance, Rita came to the realization that she truly loved him. It was a horrifying predicament. To declare her love would be to break every boundary they had set as a team as well as the rules of her employer. What's more, the man she loved might never wake up. She played the waiting game in agony.

When Chris revived and called for her, she threw caution to the wind and told him she loved him. It was a colossal risk, but she couldn't help it. Life was far too short and far too fragile to do otherwise. As it turned out, her declaration threw her partner for a loop. That speechless moment and the blank look of surprise had been enough, and she immediately pulled back. And then Dr. Dupree walked into the room.

And then Eric Russell crashed into her life and was completely taken with her. She laughed a little despite herself as she watched the kids, now engaged in a contest of who could swing the highest. Eric had wooed her, cooked for her, given her gifts, and genuinely tried to love her. Rita began to think the feelings for her partner had been misplaced, so she laid them aside and over time, started to believe that she could love Eric. For a while, he brought stability and balance to her world. While Christopher struggled with Jillian, trying to figure the ways and wiles of a prominent, up-and-coming surgeon in a completely different social strata, she and Eric had been comfortable. They laughed together, traveled a bit, went out, stayed in. "You were happy again," she said quietly to the windshield before pausing. "For a while..."

And then it all started to unravel. Eric spent too lavishly, not just on her, but on everything. He outspent his income, and the inevitable financial problems became drinking problems. He couldn't handle his liquor, and drinking problems led to terrible lapses in judgment. Eric assaulted Chris in a bar, then lost his temper when she told him he needed help. The last several weeks had been little more than a bad dream, with anger and frustration and heartbreak largely dominating their relationship. She looked at the children, now walking together away from the park, and was envious of their innocence.

She had nearly ended her relationship with Eric after the incident with Chris. Looking back now, as she started the car and put it in drive, she should have. It would have been much preferred to this ending. She could have dictated the outcome rather than Eric. But Chris, of all people, had talked her back from that ledge. And Eric, once he sobered up and was left alone to gain some perspective, was actually very sorry. For a fleeting moment, the relationship looked salvageable.

It was not salvageable now, and yet another person she tried to love was gone. They always left…or broke up...or died. All of them.

All of them, save one.

So here she was, navigating to the one rock in her sea of tumult, the one man she could trust with anything. Fifteen minutes later, Rita stopped in front of his place, parking behind his car. She didn't see Jillian's BMW, but that didn't prevent a nervous flutter in her belly. Despite their difficulties, it was obvious that Jillian loved Christopher. She was very good to him and he seemed to really like her, but the girlfriend was clearly suspicious of her boyfriend's partner. Chris couldn't really see it, because Jillian hid it well, but Rita could sense it; women knew these things. There was no doubt Jillian was thrilled that Eric was in the picture, keeping 'the partner' occupied. Rita got out of the car, already feeling that wisp of hostility that the doctor seemed to just suppress.

She knocked and spoke up, "Hey Chris, it's me." She heard him yell "Come on in!" so she opened the door and stepped in. He was wiping down the kitchen counter and looking at her with a puzzled expression.

"Hey, I thought you were going to visit Eric."

Rita stood there, looking at him and trying to hold it together, but couldn't. Chris dropped the washcloth on the counter and walked quickly to her, wrapping her up in a tight hug, his right hand rubbing her hair. As she cried again, she could hear him whispering, "It's alright. Shhh...it's ok."

After what seemed like several minutes, she pulled back and looked down at the floor as he spoke. "You want to talk about it?" She sniffled and wiped her eyes. "He's gone, Chris. Eric is gone."

"What you do mean 'gone'?"

"He's completely gone. The apartment he just rented is empty. He didn't say anything...no phone call, nothing! It's like he vanished." She could hear her voice rising in volume but couldn't stop it.

"Really? Have you tried his phone?"

"What good would that do, Chris? If he wanted me to know he was moving, he would have said. I know he won't answer...he probably cancelled the service." She was almost yelling.

Chris put his hands up and spoke quietly. "Rita, I'm right here, and my neighbor is a retired librarian. She can't help you."

Rita paused as an image suddenly flashed through her mind - that of the elderly widow next door with her ear to the bottom of a glass that was pressed against the wall - and she started to smile. She looked down at the floor, trying hard to hide from Chris the fact that his humor had rescued her again, but couldn't hold that back, either. She took his hands and pulled him to her again, laughing through her tears into his neck before kissing it...and then kissing it again. She took a deep breath and spoke, knowing her warm breath was probably tickling him but not caring. "Oh, Chris...thanks. And I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. No harm done." He rubbed her back and she could sense the wheels turning in his mind. "You, uh, want to walk to Duffy's with me for a burger and a beer? We can talk on the way."

"Well, I'm kind of barging in here," she said as she took a quick glance around his place.

Chris gave her a smile, the one that always melted her heart. "Yep. You are, but it's fine. Jillian was planning to come over this evening, but she's covering for a doctor that's sick. I think there's irony somewhere in there, but I'm all yours tonight!"

"Then yeah, let's go."

She sat across from him and talked, beginning with her sit-down in Harry's office. "He told me Eric washed completely clean in the mess in New York." Chris only nodded, and she was instantly suspicious that he and Harry had been swapping notes again. She squinted. "Did you already know that?"

He shook his head. "No, but I really hoped that was the case. You know I had some issues with Eric," he paused with a sly smile and rubbed the spot just above his left eye - a move that made her laugh again - "but for your sake, I wanted things to go well with you two."

Rita continued to talk as she ate, giving him the details of the drive to Eric's apartment, her excitement to tell him what Harry had said, and her crushing discovery. She felt the tears starting up again, and she quickly daubed her eyes with her napkin. She noticed her partner was looking down - not at her - and was toying with his fries. "Ok, what's up? This is my pity party and I feel like you're horning in."

He looked at her and took a deep breath. "Look, Sam. I never really apologized for going behind you and having the Captain call New York. But I am very sorry. That was my idea and if that was a factor in Eric leaving, I'd feel terrible. I feel partly responsible as it is."

"Christopher, I already told you that Eric understood. If he was just saying that, then he wasn't honest with me and that's on him. I understand it, too, though at the time I was," she paused, searching for the right word, "perturbed about it. Well, more than a little perturbed. Had our roles been reversed, I don't know that I would have checked up on a girlfriend of yours, but honestly, I would have considered it. This isn't your fault, and it isn't Harry's, either."

"You sure?"

"One hundred percent. Eric had partners in New York. He knows how it is between us. You don't owe me an apology, but I accept it anyway." She reached across the table and took his hand. "Better?" When he nodded, she slapped his hand lightly. "Then eat your dinner. It's getting cold."

The sun had already set as they walked back to his apartment, but it was still warm. They had talked - about a variety of things - for nearly two hours in the restaurant. Chris had mostly listened, only adding comments here and there, so as they looked at storefronts, most of them now closed for the evening, she spoke up again.

"Thanks for tonight, Chris. This was exactly what I needed."

"A burger and fries?"

"Yeah. Actually?...yes, a burger and fries. And someone to listen. I was angry with Eric...still am, but I was also angry with me. I delayed the inevitable weeks longer than I should have. I think I wanted things to work out so I ignored the signs warning me to get out. That's frustrating."

"And now I bet you're relieved."

"Well...I don't know if that's the word..."

He interrupted. "You remember Annie from a few years back?"

"I remember all your girlfriends."

He laughed, "Yeah, probably. We weren't together very long, but that relationship should never have gone as far as it did. We were so different. I saw the signs that it wasn't going to work - we both did, I think - but when you're in it, it's a lot harder to act on that knowledge. I was disappointed when she packed up, maybe a little sad, but inside?...really inside? I was relieved that Italy called. You know, you say you're angry with Eric and you should have acted sooner, so maybe his leaving kind of solves the problem for you. It's not exactly how you wanted it, but it's kind of what you wanted."

She looked at her partner as he concluded, surprised for a moment by his insight. Was she that transparent with him?

"No more dealing with the drinking and the outbursts...seeing me with a bandaged forehead...stuff like that."

Yeah, there were times - times like this - when he just...just...she couldn't even describe it in her mind. He is my rock, my safe harbor, she thought as she pulled him close and hugged him, kissing his cheek at the same time. "You're so good to me, Sam. Thank you."

"It's the least you deserve. Be patient, Rita. Love will find you. Real love. It might sneak up on you or it might hit you full on..."

She couldn't help herself, so she faked a right jab, "Just above the left eye!" she said with a laugh.

They turned the corner and walked the final half block to his apartment door. As they entered the glow of the last streetlight before his door, they heard a voice and Rita jumped a little. The sudden breaking of the silence startled her partner as well.

"Hello, you two. Out for an evening stroll?"

Rita felt a shudder go through her as Dr. Dupree stepped out from her car, just in the shadows. Jillian smiled at them, then glanced down before looking at Chris. Rita realized with a shock that she had been holding his hand as they walked. She quickly released it and put her arms behind her back, hoping Jillian hadn't noticed and cursing herself for not being more aware of her surroundings.

"Hey, Jillian! This is a surprise!" Chris gave her a big hug. Rita glanced up to see the girlfriend squinting at her - in that moment the hostility wasn't veiled in the least, but as Chris kissed her quickly and released her, she smiled broadly.

"Clearly it is," she said with wicked sarcasm, cleverly veiled behind that smile such that only a woman could detect it. "The early rush at the hospital petered out, and I was subbing for the second doctor, so I was first cut."

"Rita and I grabbed a burger at Duffy's. She's had a rough day. Eric packed up and vanished today...not a word, just gone without a trace."

"I'm so sorry, Rita. That's awful!" Rita's sensors told her Jillian was being genuine, but then she turned to Chris, smiling again and putting her arms around his neck. "I hope you're not planning to leave." She kissed him, maybe a little longer than necessary on a public sidewalk despite the dark. In the space of a less than a minute, Rita knew she had become the intruder, and Jillian was marking her territory.

Chris said, "Let's all go inside, and I'll put on some coffee."

Jillian sucked in her breath and instantly Rita knew it was time to leave. "Thanks so much, but I should get going."

"Rita, you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah, I feel much better now. Thank you!" She excused herself, but not before giving Chris a quick hug and a final kiss on the cheek. She turned to Jillian. "Thank you for letting me borrow Christopher for just a bit this evening." Jillian smiled thinly. Disapproval was hovering around the doctor like a cloud, but Rita didn't care. In this moment, Jillian could cram it where the sun didn't shine. There would be some hard days ahead, and maybe some hard feelings, and she would need to talk to him again.

When she got home, Rita immediately went to the beach and walked quietly for a few minutes, working through her feelings. She knew she wouldn't see Eric again and even if she did, it was over. She looked out over the water and laughed briefly, thinking about his black book. It wouldn't be long before he wished he had it back. She would be kind to him, and she would be courteous and gracious, but that was it. Christopher would help her with that, even though she was probably the last thing on his mind right now. Jillian was probably working a little extra magic to make him forget about his partner.

There were a few final tears as she walked through her door - one final brief cry for herself - only to hear the periodic beep of the answering machine. Her heart jumped into her throat and panic surged through her - Eric! She walked over and pushed the button, scared to death of what she would hear.

_"Hey, Sam, it's me. I know it's getting late. Hope you're alright. Give me a call on my mobile if you're not already asleep. Otherwise, see you tomorrow..."_

She breathed a sigh of relief as she listened, then dialed and waited. When he answered, Rita told him she had been in the sand.

"Great! You still alright?"

"A little cry a few minutes back, but otherwise. Thanks so much again for this evening." She sensed an expectant silence on the other end...she could read him even over the phone. "What...?"

There was a nervous laugh in her ear. "Jillian went home. She's uh, well, not very happy with me tonight. Hopefully our big vacation isn't about to get deep-sixed."

"Christopher, I'm sorry..."

"Oh no, not your deal. She just had an issue with us...well, walking together on the street after dark. I told her we needed to talk. And frankly, you and I spend a lot of time on the streets together after dark, but uh, that didn't help my case. You know how she is sometimes. Anyways, now it's just me..."

"Well, I am sorry your night ended badly."

"Rita, I know it's late, but would you like company for a little while?"

Rita paused a moment to think. She had been unattached for less than eight hours and already things were getting awkward for her partner. "Chris, what if Jillian comes back to your pla..."

"She's not coming back tonight. I probably won't hear from her for a day or two. But don't worry, I'll smooth things over."

Rita looked at the floor. Great. Chris is totally oblivious, she thought. He thinks Jillian is angry with him. Her encounters with Dr. Dupree were about to get a whole lot more uncomfortable. But in this moment...

"Christopher, I would love company as long as it doesn't deepen the hole you're in."

"Great! See you in a bit."

She had barely cleared the kitchen table when he knocked, and she was stunned when she answered the door. "Chris, we talked two minutes ago!"

"Yeah, I know. I had already driven over, but decided I better not just show up. I stopped at the gas station down the street and waited, hoping you would return my call." He gave her a smile...another one of those smiles.

Chris was right. Someday, real love might find her. But against that day, here was someone for whom she had much deeper feelings. She smiled in return and hugged her partner and best friend. "Come on in. I'll start the coffee..."


End file.
